If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
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I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.