Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

i prefer mine room temperature.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.