If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Now colored!
make up your mind
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”