Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

I am absolutely never leaving this website

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Sheep