If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
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My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.