Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.