If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
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Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
bro what is going on at twitter
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.