Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

me doing my best

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

Wait a minute…

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.