Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?