If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
me adding lol on a serious message
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?