If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
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CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My favorite female superhero
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*