Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.