Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

I’m about to risk it all

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.