If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
If it wasn’t for the internet, I would think “12 Years A Slave” was a movie about a guy exaggerating about the first 3 weeks of marriage.
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Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ?I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ?Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ?In an octopus’s garden
If you think my tweets are bad, hoo boy, you should meet me in person.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
PSA for campus drivers