Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My dress code is business-casualty.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.