if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I see you have a meat smoker, but no wife. I will find you a sturdy woman in return for brisket.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
this is the greatest thing ever
