if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
