If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
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roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”