If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
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[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.