If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
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skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.