*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
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Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.