@climaxximus
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
@Kneevyl
If it weren’t for dating sites, I’d still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it’s all gone now.
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@climaxximus
@Browtweaten
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
@Gupton68
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
@maryfairybobrry
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
@ieatanddrink
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
@envydatropic
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
@RobDenBleyker
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
@boring_as_heck
I’ll take “That’s Not A Category” for $200, Alex.
“That’s not a category.”
Yes, that’s right.
“That’s not a category.”
I chose that, yes.
@dru0887
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.