@Kneevyl

If it weren’t for dating sites, I’d still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it’s all gone now.

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@climaxximus

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

@Browtweaten

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

@Gupton68

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

@maryfairybobrry

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

@boring_as_heck

I’ll take “That’s Not A Category” for $200, Alex.
“That’s not a category.”
Yes, that’s right.
“That’s not a category.”
I chose that, yes.

@dru0887

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.