If it weren’t for the British I’d be herding cows away from a craggy cliff in a wool shawl but no, they had to get greedy and now I have to figure out my back taxes
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house