If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
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My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.