If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
You Might Also Like
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind