If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
