If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
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It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?