ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
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I’m so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.
Tough love is true love
I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it myself.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Driving back from funeral yesterday:
Stairway To Heaven
Tears In Heaven
Highway To Hell
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.