If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

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ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for


I’m so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.


I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it myself.


So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.


Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*


Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly


Driving back from funeral yesterday:

Stairway To Heaven

Tears In Heaven

Highway To Hell

*leaves it*


Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.


Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.