If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
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[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
brian had himself a morning…
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.