Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.