Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

i dont have time for this

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.