If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
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My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
we all know this pain all too well
wish me luck lads
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
hi why am I like this
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.