Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

fr

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.