If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
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*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.