Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago