If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
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It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Battery falling down a hole
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.