If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
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You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”