If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
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German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
The Friday File.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Thank you corporation very cool
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS