Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course