If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
getting seasonal up in here
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply