Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?