If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
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[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set