If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
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Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
That de-escalated quickly
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Body by burrito