If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
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One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.