Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

i think both sides are to blame here

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.