Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.