Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.