Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
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I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Can’t. About to go please some beans
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.