Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.