If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
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You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.