If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

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It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.


HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.


diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.


Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.


it’s easy as pie!

‘what does that even mean?’

*pie stumbles in drunk*
pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge



Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.


Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.


If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.