@frankzulla

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

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@jakob_huber

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

@ClichedOut

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

@Kauaibride

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

@JohnLyonTweets

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

@hippieswordfish

it’s easy as pie!

‘what does that even mean?’

*pie stumbles in drunk*
pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge

‘oh’

@TheAlexNevil

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

@ddsmidt

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

@HatfieldAnne

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.