If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
You Might Also Like
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My purse is deeper than some people.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
anyone else like Italian cereal
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.