Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

Welcome

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”