Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.