Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version