If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
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I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil