If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
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I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp