Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”

Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here

3 yr old: no

Me: you just want bare feet?

3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO