If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
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Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Not today.. 😂
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
when a toddler tells a story
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Labreador
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam