If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
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FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
What’s a Messi?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
How high do the levels go?
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow