If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
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When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
same bro
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?