Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.