If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
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[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.