If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
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If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up