If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
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Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.