@fluffysuse

If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.

If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.

- @fluffysuse

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@Rollinintheseat

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

@JoroPotential

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

@Gupton68

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

@WilliamAder

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

@AnkCoupleTO

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

@SummerCandyEyes

My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal.

*cashes in college fund
*installs a pool in backyard

@hurlarious

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

@KentWGraham

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

@sfreeze6

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

@OrangeFact

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood