“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
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Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Seek kebab; not attention
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
bro what is going on at twitter
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.