Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

what the hell pray for carter everyone

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.