If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
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Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here