Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is fake venison called venisn’t

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things