Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

The first one, obviously

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber