Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.