Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Please vote for people who are attractive

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]