If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
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The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like