If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
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I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
never forget
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.