Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Did…did a minotaur write this

March 16

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit