If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
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People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Whisper out to librarians!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving