If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
You Might Also Like
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie: