If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)