@Cheeseboy22

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

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@kirstenteigg

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

@theedgeofchris

Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they’ve ever had.

@Bagyants

I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a “hauntingly beautiful blonde lady”

@LilBlueBlood

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

@DaddyJew

Dad: I had a son once

Stranger: what happened to him?

D: he touched the thermostat

Kid: dad, I’m like right here

D: you hear something?

@LostFelicia

If you’ve never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you’re not me.

@jpeek01

Cute girl in the office sees me do something with my left hand
Her: oh. You’re left-handed too
*I pretend to be left-handed for next 5 yrs

@philEfanaddict

The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.