If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let鈥檚 hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT鈥橲 SPAGHETTI
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Dating Tips
1.
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4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
* Finds what I鈥檓 looking for
* Can鈥檛 remember why I was looking
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn鈥檛 hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 馃槍馃檹
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don鈥檛 think we鈥檙e allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.